Finding My Voice: A Turning Point at Calling Lake

By way of confession, I thought I would share the following story before I jump right into my next book on gender roles. It was an especially meaningful chapter of my journey to discover my place as a woman in the kingdom of God. I know that it is simply an anecdote, and therefore doesn't prove anything with regard to what the Bible says, but I hope it will convince you of my good intentions: that I am not grasping of leadership, not closed to God's leading in this area of my life. My experience in this story also gave me the permission I needed to continue my quest for understanding in this area.

***

(c) Becky Bonham

My husband's extended family (about 25 of us) got together over Father's Day weekend earlier this year to spend some time together at my sister-in-law's cabin. In advance, an email had been sent out by the same (very organized) sister-in-law with a proposed schedule for all the basics: dishwashing schedule, meal sharing, etc. There was also a request for a volunteer to lead the Sunday worship time. I wouldn't have responded except that she had specifically clarified that she was looking for a "man or woman" to lead. So, I responded that "if nobody else is interested" in doing it, I'd be willing.

That is how I ended up being in charge of the informal Sunday service at Calling Lake this June.

As it was, I was nervous, as very few if any of my extended family have seen me teach. The confidence with which I normally lead was overshadowed by insecurity at this new audience, in front of whom I would feel especially vulnerable. Not only was I the youngest of the adults, I was a girl. And most of these were Baptists. And one of them - Steve's dad - was a Baptist pastor. By this time, I'd already been reading my Biblical equality book for awhile and had become uncomfortably aware of the differing view of the roles of women in the church. Would I offend anyone by leading, simply because I was female? Or worse, would I speak as a representative of women and screw up?

I revamped a Sunday School talk that I had given at our church a few years' previously on Matthew 16:24-26, on what it means for us in our daily lives to take up our crosses and follow Jesus. I felt good about it the first time I'd taught on it, so it seemed like a safe bet to use again. But then I thought about my Baptist-pastor-father-in-law and I was plagued with doubts: Had I got my facts right? Were my hermeneutics correct? I checked and double-checked my notes and attempted to calm myself.

Then, the night before I was to lead, I lost my voice. Only one out of every three syllables I spoke was audible. I was sniffling nonstop. All I wanted to do was sleep. Well, that and teach, which was why I didn't ask Steve right then to see if anyone else would be able to take my place. Despite my fears, my nervousness, and my second-guessing of myself, I wanted to do this. Teaching is in my blood. So, I went to bed and hoped for the best.

(c) C. Derkson

During the course of the night, I woke up many times to cough, blow my nose, or suck on another cough drop.  In my half-sleep I prayed, "Please let me get over this by morning." As I tossed and turned, a thought occurred to me: What if God was trying to tell me something by this sudden, poor-timed illness? What if I wasn't supposed to teach tomorrow? Or ever? And so I prayed a second time, "Lord, if you want me to do this, then please, let me get well. But if you don't, then...don't." I drifted back to sleep for awhile, only to wake up again, with the thought of how painful it would be if God responded by choosing not to heal me, how hurtful if his answer was indeed, "Despite your passion, despite your preparation, and despite your desire to share my own words with others, I don't want you to teach - because of your sex." Unable to bear the weight of such a thought, I released it to God and drifted back into a fitful sleep.

I woke up an hour before the service was to begin and my voice was completely gone. Surely now was the time to find a replacement. Still, I resisted. In my stubbornness, I got up, looked over my notes and went to the kitchen to make myself some honey and lemon tea. Within minutes, I began to find my voice.

And so, with a quiet but steady voice, I shared from my heart that Sunday morning in the presence of the entire Bonham family. And I believe God blessed it. Several family members jumped into the discussion. At one point, a brother-in-law responded to my comment about how I felt recently that I was "living in the 'no' of God" and I was given a brief opportunity to share a bit more personally a few details of my struggles over the last few years that I'd never gotten to share with any of them before. The discussion was lively and continued until, getting nervous that I was letting it go on too long, I asked for a volunteer to close in prayer. At this point, another brother-in-law interrupted and asked if he could share a few more thoughts, and the discussion continued for another half hour or so. My father-in-law never spoke, but in the end he prayed and mentioned me by name, thanking God for what I had to share with everyone this morning.

Afterward, several family members approached me to thank me for sharing. My sister-in-law commented on my obvious passion for teaching. My brothers-in-law told me how much they enjoyed the discussion. Even my teenaged nephew said, "That was really good, Auntie Becky." (!!) I didn't even think the teenagers in the group would even be listening to what I had to say! A short while later, my father- and mother-in-law came over and gave me hugs, telling me I'd done a good job. The apprehension I had felt earlier was washed over with relief and a profound sense of joy - because I'd done what I love, I did it well, and I felt affirmed in doing it, both by my family and by God, who healed me just in the nick of time.

With respect for the private details of these real people and my relationships with them, I'll simply say that it was a turning point in some of those relationships. I felt that a few misconceptions fell away that day and my loved ones got a truer glimpse of who I really am. Doors were opened in relationships that had remained closed up to that point. Discussions have since been enlarged, to cover more topics and embrace deeper passions. In the end, I have felt more known by my family than I had ever felt in the past, and to my relief, that was a blessing and not a curse.

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Thoughtful Christianity, Part 4: Empty "Threats" and the End of Knowledge

Your Mind Matters: The Place of the Mind in the Christian Life, by John Stott
progress: completed

Mindless Witness

Someone once shared a story she had read about the immediacy of the need for witness. The main point was a question, "What if you knew your neighbour's house was going to burn down this very night - wouldn't you warn them?" I've heard similar metaphors before, and of course I understand that the main point is that we need to take matters of the soul seriously. But that particular day, my mind took a different turn. I couldn't help but ask myself, "But would they even believe you?" If someone came to me and said something along those lines, my first thought would probably be, "How do you know?" and, depending on who was telling me, I might even wonder if they were trying to threaten or intimidate me. Whether I took the risk of believing such an apparently outrageous suggestion would depend on who was telling me, and how well he or she knew me. If a stranger said it, I would likely consider them a quack, and perhaps even a threat to my safety. If a family member or close friend said it, I would be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and hear them out.

A person will rarely accept even the well-intentioned advice of a complete stranger, at least not without sufficient information to make an informed decision of their own. And that requires both the advisor and the hearer to exchange and evaluate ideas in order to make wise choices - namely, to use their minds.

(c) Becky Bonham

Instead, what we as Christians can sometimes fall into is what John Stott describes as "an emotional, anti-intellectual appeal for 'decisions' when the hearers have but the haziest notion what they are to decide about or why." (66) It seems to me that the street-corner preacher with the sign "Believe in Jesus and be saved!" has very little hope of attracting any real interest, because he has so little to say about who this Jesus is, or why anyone should believe in him. When Jesus is reduced to nothing more than a pithy slogan or appeal, he is thereby stripped of his identity and rendered meaningless to the hearers. Stephen's speech to the Sanhedrin in Acts 7 is the consummate example of a thoughtful, thorough sermon that spoke right into the hearers' realm of knowledge and experience, giving them all they needed to accept his message (or refute it, as they did in this case; well-reasoned evangelism doesn't guarantee a well-reasoned response).

As much as we can heartily acknowledge the Spirit's ultimate role in preparing, softening, and turning hearts toward God, that doesn't change the fact that our role is to reason with unbelievers. This, as Stott points out, is made clear in the abundant use of words throughout the Acts especially that intertwine evangelism with the affairs of the mind: "persuade," "argue," "explain," and "prove." He writes,

To set the Holy Spirit and a reasoned presentation of the gospel over against each other is a false antithesis. (72)

and then goes on to quote Gresham Machen from his book The Christian Faith in the Modern World:

There must be the mysterious work of the Spirit of God in the new birth...Without that, all our arguments are quite useless. but because argument is insufficient, it does not follow that it is unnecessary. What the Holy Spirit does in the new birth is not to make a man a Christian regardless of the evidence, but on the contrary to clear away the mists from his eyes and enable him to attend to the evidence. (quoted on page 72)

I risk getting a little quote-happy here, but Stott's closing comments for this section are worth repeating in their entirety:

Our objective is to win a total man for a total Christ, and this will require the full consent of his mind and heart and will.

I pray earnestly that God will raise up today a new generation of Christian apologists or Christian communicators, who will combine an absolute loyalty to the biblical gospel and an unwavering confidence in the power of the Spirit with a deep and sensitive understanding of the contemporary alternatives to the gospel; who will relate the one to the other with freshness, pungency, authority and relevance; and who will use their minds to reach other minds for Christ. (73-74)

Amen! May I grow more and more into just such a person.

Conclusion

Stott sums up his little book with a reminder that believers are not to view knowledge as an end in itself, but as a means to an end. "Knowledge," he writes, "carries with it the solemn responsibility to act on the knowledge we have, to translate our knowledge into appropriate behavior." (80) The appropriate behaviour, the end of knowledge, is expressed in four main areas of the Christian life: worship, faith, holiness, and love ("For by itself knowledge can be harsh; it needs the sensitivity which love can give it." (83)). He concludes with a warning:

Knowledge is indispensable to Christian life and service. If we do not use the mind which God has given us, we condemn ourselves to spiritual superficiality and cut ourselves off from many of the riches of God's grace. At the same time, knowledge is given us to be used, to lead us to higher worship, greater faith, deeper holiness, better service. What we need is not less knowledge but more knowledge, so long as we act upon it. (84, emphasis mine)

Learn and grow in knowledge, and in wisdom act upon it.

--
So ends my journey with John Stott - for now at least. I've been coming back to these themes again and again, being challenged and convicted in my own life as I seek to live out my knowledge and my faith with intentionality and integrity, and I trust this is only the beginning of the journey. Further up and further in!

~Becky

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Engaging Culture: Faith and Film

I just finished reading an article written by my friends and fellow bloggers Steve and Julie Golding-Page. They are an Anglican priest-couple currently living in Saskatchewan and former Regent College alumni. They are self-professed film fanatics who see movie-viewing as an effective way to engage culture and their Christian faith. I especially enjoyed their discussion of Acts 17, where Paul demonstrates an active and thoughtful engaging with the pagan culture of first-century Athens. It's worth taking a look at this interesting article, which also gives ideas for how to start your own film group:

http://www.anglicanplanet.net/canadian-news/2010/11/3/film-faith-meeting-god-at-the-movies.html

When I was at Regent College, professor Loren Wilkinson hosted weekly film and discussion evenings. I loved taking a deeper look into films that I knew some Christians might boycott altogether, and finding my own faith enriched in the process, as well as an increased ability to engage the world around me in a more thoughtful way.

What are your thoughts about faith and film? What movies have challenged or changed you?

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Thoughtful Christianity, Part 3: Transformed Minds and Common Sense

Your Mind Matters: The Place of the Mind in the Christian Life, by John Stott
progress: completed

(Note: Sorry for the stupid breaks, etc. Blogger is being very annoying and changing all my formatting, and I am not the HTML-genius type. Grrr.)

The Place of the Mind in the Pursuit of Holiness

How is our mind related to our actions? How does it contribute or distract from our pursuit of the holiness to which we were called? Stott answers that it is a neglected but essential component. For, how can we know the will of God without using our minds to discern it from His word? Further, the battle for discipline begins in our minds:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but 

be transformed by the renewing of your mind. 

Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—

his good, pleasing and perfect will. - Romans 12:2

It is the many Scripture verses such as this one that lead Stott to conclude that "self-control is primarily mind-control." (58) The battle for our character is usually won in the mind, as it is renewed by the grace of God. (57) Conversely, the opposite is also true:

Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile 
to retain the knowledge of God, 

so God gave them over to a depraved mind, 

so that they do what ought not to be done. - Romans 1:28

Those who live according to the flesh 

have their minds set on what the flesh desires; 

but those who live in accordance with the Spirit 

have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. - Romans 8:5

A renewed mind set on what the Spirit desires will live according to the Spirit. A depraved mind set on what the flesh desires will live according to the flesh. As believers who still struggle with the flesh, this is the battle we fight, the tension we live within. And we are doomed unless we allow our minds to be engaged and transformed by the Holy Spirit.

Finally, Stott reminds us that "we are to consider not only what we should be but what by God's grace we already are. We are constantly to recall what God has done for us." (59) We are to preach these things to ourselves "until their truth grips our minds and molds our character." (60)

Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, 

set your hope on the grace to be brought to you 

when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming. - 1 Peter 1:13

Guidance: General Will versus Particular Will 

I really liked what Stott had to say here. I've struggled sometimes with the way others speak so assuredly that "the Lord told" them that they needed to do such and such. It sounds much more spiritual than my usual, "I thought about it, prayed about it and finally decided to do such and such, and in retrospect, it seemed like God was definitely leading me on that path." Even when I do have an inkling that God is speaking an idea into my mind, I am hesitant to declare it, because I am unsure of what is me and what is Him, and I am aware that I may be subconsciously using spiritual language to defend a human idea.

During a Bible study on 1 Samuel, I came across two different types of situations that David encountered in his adventures with King Saul. At times, God gave him a specific command: go here, do this. Other times, David was seemingly left to his own to make a decision on act it. In both situations, God blessed him. In one situation, God was direct. In the other, God allowed him to make his own decisions about what to do. The following two quotes from Bill T. Arnold, author of the NIV Application Commentary on 1 & 2 Samuel, have given me comfort as I struggle to discern God's will for my life without direct, specific words from God:

“David is doing what seems logical, walking through the doors open to him. God honors what he does.” (363) 

“Rarely do the saints of the Old Testament have direct confirmation of their actions, though they hold resolutely to the belief that God is involved. Such examples remind us to submit our entire decision-making process to God and trust him to enlighten our God-given reason and logic and to guide us in our important decisions in life.” (364) 

John Stott affirms this idea. He does so by differentiating between God's general will for all of our lives (be holy, be righteous, love one another) and his specific will for our individual lives (Whom should I marry? What career should I choose?). The Bible is our source to know and discern God's general will - "for all people...at all times" (61), but not so for God's particular will, which

is not to be sought in Scripture, for Scripture does not contradict itself, and it is of the essence of God's particular will that it may be different for different members of his family. Certainly we shall find in Scripture some general principles to guide us in our particular choices. And I do not deny that some of God's people down the ages have claimed to received very detailed guidance from Scripture. Yet I must repeat that this is not God's usual way. (62-63)

He uses the example of choosing a life partner. While we can draw out principles from the Bible of what sort of person we ought to marry, we will not find a name or an address of The One! Instead, he argues, we are to  use common sense, "trusting that God will guide you through your own mental processes." (64) I can verify that this is the manner in which I firmly believe God led me to pursue theological studies, to study abroad in Glasgow, to attend seminary even thought I had to go into debt to do it, and to marry the man I did (to name just a few).

In the course of my decision-making, I trusted him to close the doors that weren't in his will, as he knew that I sought to do his will. I considered the advice of those wiser and more experienced than I. In this way, I took ownership of the inherent difficulties of any choice, even while I enjoyed the blessings that he poured out on me in the following of them. Perhaps we are being a bit lazy if we just expect him to spell out every step of our lives, without having to engage our God-given brains:

Although God promises to guide us, we must not expect him to do so in the way in which we guide horses and mules. He will not use a bit and bridle with us. For we are not horses or mules; we are human beings. We have understanding, which horses and mules have not. It is, then, through the use of our own understanding, enlightened by Scripture and prayer and the counsel of friends, that God will lead us into a knowledge of his particular will for us. (64-65)

It is just one more way that God lends us what CS Lewis called "the dignity of causality."

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Did I mention this tiny little book was filled to the brim with profound insight? I guess I'll have to cut this short once again, so I can keep this post (relatively) short and get it posted today! More to come...
~Becky

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A Mindful Hymn

As I was writing about mindful worship this weekend, I was thinking of the hymn "And Can It Be That I Should Gain," by Charles Wesley, as a specific example of such intelligent praise. To my pleasant surprise, we sang it in church on Sunday. It bears repeating here, as it's worthy of more meditation than I can muster during one sing-through:

And Can It Be That I Should Gain
by Charles Wesley, 1738

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

’Tis mystery all: th’Immortal dies:
Who can explore His strange design?
In vain the firstborn seraph tries
To sound the depths of love divine.
’Tis mercy all! Let earth adore,
Let angel minds inquire no more.
’Tis mercy all! Let earth adore;
Let angel minds inquire no more.

He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray—
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

Still the small inward voice I hear,
That whispers all my sins forgiven;
Still the atoning blood is near,
That quenched the wrath of hostile Heaven.
I feel the life His wounds impart;
I feel the Savior in my heart.
I feel the life His wounds impart;
I feel the Savior in my heart.

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.

Wow! As much as I enjoy some of the contemporary songs out there, the old Christian hymns are a rich heritage I hope we never forsake.

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Thoughtful Christianity, Part 2: Intelligent Worship and Rational Faith

Your Mind Matters: The Place of the Mind in the Christian Life, by John Stott
progress: completed

In the second half of his book, Stott gives examples of how the mind is to be engaged in Christian worship, faith, holiness, guidance, evangelism and ministry. I'll discuss each of these areas in turn.

Mindful Worship versus Mindless Worship

(c) Becky Bonham

What is the place of the mind in worship? A better preliminary question might be, What is the goal of worship? For some, it is to have an "experience," an emotional high of sorts, to transcend the moment in heartfelt praise to God. For others, emotion or experience has little to do with it; it is primarily a confession of God's greatness. For me, it is to focus on God without getting distracted by the words or the music, the sound of my voice or the wiggling of my children, or any number of random thoughts that seem to have chosen this moment to assault my consciousness. I often find myself discouraged by my attempts at meaningful worship.

Perhaps another related question would be, Who or what is the focus of our worship? Ourselves, or God? Orthodox theology? Aesthetically pleasing music? Hearts reawakened to God through praise? Or an awesome band that is able to get everyone worked up into a quasi-spiritual frenzy?

Okay, that last one was a bit sarcastic, but I was reminded of a satirical article I read on some of the shortcomings of contemporary Christian worship. Here's a snippet which is applicable to the conversation at hand:

The twin goals here are a) repetition and b) chanting quality. We don’t focus on what we’re singing, but how we’re singing it. The main thing is to get that kind of tingly, "olive oily" feeling. Don't worry if you don't get this right away. It will come as you learn to disengage your intellect. Just free yourself. Immerse yourself. Relax.

Of course there's a balance. It's not just about God, it's not just about us, but it's about us in relationship to God. Stott goes to great lengths to emphasize the importance of engaging our minds in worship.

The only worship acceptable to God is intelligent worship, worship "in truth," the worship offered by those who know whom they are worshiping and who love him "with all their mind." (44)

His emphasis is on truly knowing this God whom we worship. The Psalms are filled with concrete language and images of who He is: Creator, Redeemer, Rescuer, Friend. He hears the cries of the oppressed, he is patient with the obstinate, he is defined by steadfast love and holiness. I am sometimes struck by how many contemporary worship songs could easily be mistaken for love songs between humans, and when that is the case, I think something essential has been lost. We bring ourselves to worship, with all our needs, shortcomings, and distractions, but worship at its best will re-center us in God, which in turn will put us in our proper place, under his mercy and grace, and providential care. As ecstatic as worship can sometimes feel, those feelings can't last unless they are grounded in the character of God. This is why Stott writes,

All Christian worship, public and private, should be an intelligent response to God's self-revelation in his words and works recorded in Scripture. (47-48)

Blind Faith versus Rational Faith

(c) Becky Bonham

"It is a great mistake to suppose that faith and reason are incompatible." (49) Stott points out that in Scripture, faith is not the opposite of reason, but in fact the opposite of sight: "For we live by faith, not by sight." (2 Cor 5:7)

On the contrary, true faith is essentially reasonable because it trusts in the character and the promises of God. A believing Christian is one whose mind reflects and rests on these certitudes. (49)

Unlike Oprah and her friends, who espouse a view of faith in faith (I have faith that _______, therefore it is true), Christian faith is grounded in rational, logical truth, as presented in Scripture, and confirmed in our lives by the Holy Spirit. Stott calls it "a reasoning trust...which reckons thoughtfully and confidently upon the trustworthiness of God." (52) And of course rational, logical truth requires the engaging of our minds. I liked the sentiments of Dr. Lloyd-Jones, whom Stott quotes at length:

Faith, if you like, can be defined like this: It is a man insisting upon thinking when everything seems determined to bludgeon and knock him down in an intellectual sense. (quoted on page 54)

I like that. When I am tempted to doubt, the only thing which draws me back from the edge is a reengaging of my brain, in which I remind myself of God, who he is and what he's done. 

--

Well, I think I'll have to keep breaking this post down into parts. I've got a quiet house to myself for a limited time and should probably do something...mundane. Let's see if I can find a way to engage my mind in housework!

~Becky

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What Has Happened to Our Conviction? or, I'm Just Like Inviting You to Join Me on the Bandwagon of My Own Uncertainty

This is a word animation video which a friend posted on Facebook quite some time ago. It's a fun little piece which highlights yet another misuse of the intellect, or rather the lack of it, in popular culture. Along with having a cool message by poet Taylor Mali, it's also just fun to watch (animation by Ronnie Bruce):


Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.


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